Remember when the Kids’ Choice Awards was all about watching Lance Bass get slimed?
Yeah, it’s not like that anymore.
Everything that happened at the 2014 Kids’ Choice Awards will make you feel old as shit, unless you are nine years old, and if you are, stop looking at your iPad and go outside.
1. A giant group of “relevant” celebs stood on stage and the ONLY ones we can identify are DRAKE AND JOSH.
2. Literally, we can ONLY identify C-listers Drake Bell and Josh Peck.
3. There was a performance by HIT POP ROCK BAND American Authors.
4. And Todrick Hall?
Who we loosely remember as being a “YouTube Personality.” So, they’re letting YouTube people perform at awards shows now?
5. This guy was voted Favorite TV Actor.
6. America Ferrera was there for some reason.
They must have turned Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants into a video game or something.
7. Cody Simpson and Austin Mahone got slimed.
8. And we’re like, “Back in OUR day…that would have been Tom Cruise and Rosie O’Donnell.”
9. These two attractive young people were IN CHARGE of the sliming.
Jack Reynor and Nicola Peltz…also known as TWO NAMES WE HAVE LITERALLY NEVER HEARD BEFORE.
10. But, if you thought the show itself was a terrifying lesson in BEING OUT OF TOUCH, the orange carpet was a whole other mess.
WHO ARE YOU TINY PEOPLE?!
11. Chris Rock joined by his +1s, WHO and WHO?
12. Who are these people?
13. What is this?
14. Who are you two?
Instagram models possibly.
15. Who is she?
Why is she signing autographs?
16. Who are they?
They look famous.
17. Who the hell are you?
At least you were happy to be there.
22. And WHO?
23. We’re not sure who any of you are, but someone sure taught y’all how to pose.
24. Who is THIS GUY?
25. And this little girl?
26. Great hair on these kids, but also…whooooo?
27. This whole orange carpet is so precocious.
28. But also exhausting to look at.
30. Also, AHHHH.
WHAT IS THIS AWARDS SHOW!? WHAT IS ANYTHING!? WHY ARE WE SOOO OLD!