A Totally Not Scientific Rationale for Why We Netflix Binge

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(Photo: GifSec)

We’ve all been there. I sit down to watch one episode and suddenly I wake up in a pile of popcorn, drooling on my couch, and wondering what happened at that party I was supposed to go to. I wipe the drool away, clear my eyes, and confirm that yes, Netflix, I am still watching every episode of "Gilmore Girls." 

Netflix is a deep, dark hole I often find myself stranded in with nothing but a bottle of wine and a microwave dinner. It can be a lonely place, but it’s also a wonderful thing. You leave the hole picking snacks out of your tangled hair, but also feeling relaxed and rejuvenated. It’s like taking a little vacation, except you literally don’t have to move anywhere. 

There are so many reasons why I end up wasting time on Netflix. Here are just a few. 

I need to avoid spoilers

If I don’t watch every episode of "Narcos" right now, it will be spoiled for me. How could I carry on knowing everything that will happen? Guess I better watch it all right now. Into the vortex I go. 

I don’t want to seem uncool by not seeing "Orange is the New Black," right? 

Forget spoilers, I need to be up on the action. If I go to this party instead of just watching Netflix, someone might realize that I haven’t watched it and judge me. And I wouldn’t know about sweet dance moves like this.

My couch is amazing

Not to brag, but it’s amazing. I just sink right into it so why would I ever get back up? It would be wrong to waste a couch this good. 

It’s raining outside

And what better way to spend the day than curled up watching Netflix? 

It’s sunny outside

And the sun is a dangerous cancer-poison! What better way to spend the day than curled up watching Netflix?

It’s the golden age of television

And I’m cultured. This is modern day art. I’m basically at a museum right now. 

The outside world is dangerous

Think of all the things that can happen! Cars, lightning strikes, strangers. Best if I stay inside for now. 

Gravity is challenging

Getting up sounds so hard right now. So much is weighing me down.

Can’t. Stop. Watching. 

The next episode just started playing

I mean, who am I to interrupt this cycle? I should just let it keep going. What’s the harm? 

22 or 42 minutes isn’t very long

Think about how many minutes are in a week or a month or a year. This is nothing! 

I lost the remote so I can’t turn it off

I’m helpless. The remote is buried under the blankets or my butt. I guess it'll just automatically keep playing. 

Alcohol did/does terrible things to me

Last night, I did something terrible to myself and now I can’t move and/or I know that if I get off this couch tonight I will do terrible things to myself and won’t be able to move. 

The zombie apocalypse is imminent 

It could basically happen at any moment. I should definitely stay as close to my survival supplies as possible. 

TV characters are friends, right? 

I don’t need to interact with real people. These people are my friends! I’m just hanging out with my friends!

It’s a day that ends with 'y'

Duh. I must watch Netflix today. 

I’m still breathing

So what else am I going to do? 

I’m just going to watch one episode

And that will be it. I promise. Definitely. This time I really do promise.