Burger King Is Officially Trying to Kill You With New Buttered-Up Burger

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(Photo: obsev / burger king)

Every so often a moment in fast food history comes where you think, "This is it, this is when we've reached the tipping point." And then some company like Burger King laughs at you and goes, "Nah, we're just getting started." That day has arrived: BK just introduced the Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger

What does this monstrosity have? Two patties in a buttery garlic sauce on a hoagie bun. 

The fact that there are veggies in it is probably the most offensive part of it. Yes, fig leaf it for us, convince us that eating this is not in and of itself a suicide attempt. 

It supposedly has 710 calories. I don't believe them. 

This is offensive in so many ways. Look at that image: that is their ideal image of the burger, which none of us will ever consume. Eating that will give you enough Catholic guilt to run to confession immediately, even if you are not Catholic. 

But wait, this isn't the worst thing they've done. Behold, the Extra Long BBQ Cheeseburger
 

How would you like to die? In a glaze of buttery garlic, or covered in enough BBQ sauce that your coffin will look like an active crime scene? 

Have it your way.