You walk into the kitchen a little buzzed, the last laughter breaking behind you like a gentle wave into a smile. There’s a languid swagger in your shoulders that tugs your feet along beneath you. They all laughed at your jokes. You made just the right amount of eye contact. They all thought you were charming and witty. You were Oscar Wilde. You were spectacular.
You see whiskey on the counter, beer in the fridge, punch in the bowl, wine in the bottle. Eeeny meeny miny moe. Spiced Punch this time. Fantastic.
Your next trip to the kitchen is fraught with paranoia and self-loathing. Your once smooth body hauls itself across the linoleum and leans against the worktop in a haggard pile. You’re wasted. Look at yourself. They all heard the words slur and drop from your mouth like loose marbles. She caught you staring at her chest. No one laughed at your joke. They all thought you were a monster.
You burned out and now you have to show your drunk ass the door.
The Savory is here to explain how you can drink responsibly and avoid fading out this holiday season:
Slow It Down – Every time your lips touch that sweet, icy cold can, you should remind yourself that you just drank from it twenty seconds ago. I know you’re socially awkward and that your mouth needs to be full of Tecate to excuse you from speaking, but consciously drink at half your normal pace or else you’ll be in the gutter in no time.
Hydration – This is a two-pronged piece of advice. Drinking plenty of water will allow you to continue using fluid as a means of curbing your social awkwardness and it will stop you from fading out. And keeping a steady stream of water running through you will certainly help to tame that feral hangover potentially lying in wait.
Eat Well – That was ‘eat well’- not ‘gorge yourself excessively.’ The Thanksgiving table can quickly become a trough from which human piglets sit in rows and eat until their bellies are like barrels. A bulging stomach is going to make you feel sluggish and bloated, like you immediately became eight months pregnant. Plus everyone knows that Turkey contains heroin, so do the bulk of your feasting on side dishes.
No Shots and No Chugging– This should be a no-brainer. If you’re trying to last a little longer, it’s not smart to consume an entire drink in a single mouthful. Peer pressure is always a factor so when it’s time for that round of shots or selecting beer pong teams, you should make a beeline for the bathroom and expel of some of that lovely water you’ve been drinking.
You can also just take a round out here and there, go out for some fresh air, or even take a quick disco nap before you go out to help give you some more of that “YEAH!!!!!! GRRRRR!!!!!!” that we all need sometimes.
Don’t be stupid. Drink plenty of water and have fun.