The sun is out. The days are long. Its the summer. And, in some annual phenomenon, we decide that adulthood is not for us when it comes to partying. Whether it be the heat that rekindles our fondness for college-aged antics or just like Superman is fueled by the Earth’s sun, our idiocy thrives with summer’s power; we are different people during this heated season. So, why fight it? If you’re gonna party like the members of Delta House, then you better be good at it.
Here are three skills to master in order to earn your title of “Day Drinking Professional.”
King of the Keg
You’ve earned your moniker of boss, because you’re adept at all aspect of day drinking. Your first area of expertise is hovering above a keg whilst chugging its contents. The keg stand is as American as apple pie, and you’re George friggin’ Washington when it comes to performing them correctly.
You grab your two strongest friends. They will be the ones hoisting and holding you while you show off your skills. All three of you agree upon a signal that will let them know when to let you down. You also grab a “trigger-man” who will be dispensing the suds down your gullet. Once you’ve made sure the keg has been properly tapped and more than a few perfect beers have been poured (no one wants to chug foam), you saddle up next to the keg and get yourself into launch position. With both of your hands placed on the handles of the keg and each one of your legs in the hands of your two friends, they begin to lift while you bust out your best Keri Strug handstand over the keg. This is when your third pal begins the beer flow and you chug like there’s no tomorrow. Since you’re a pro, you remember to breathe through your nose while drinking. Once you’ve had your fill, clearly besting the times of all other competitors, you give your supporters the signal and they lower you down to cheers and accolades of everyone at the party. You are truly the King of the Keg.
Lord of the Shot Glass
You party hard an ounce and a half at a time. You only do shots and you do them right. No mixed shots; just whiskey, tequila and the occasional vodka or rum. You don’t ask for chasers, you always have a beer handy; but let’s face it, you don’t need it. You raise your glass, you lead the toast and it’s always brilliant, you tap the bar or table with the bottom of your glass before you tilt your head back and finish every last drop in your glass, you let out a “whoop” and you slam the glass down with just enough gusto that everyone proclaims: You are the Lord of the Shot Glass.
Prince of Pong
The party has escalated and the food has been cleared from the table only to be replaced by twenty red plastic cups in two triangle formations. Some call it Beer Pong, others call it Beirut; you call it second nature. You know every variation of every rule; and there are a lot. You never cheat and extend your arm past the table...you don’t need the extra help. Not a single person has ever bounced a ball into your cup because you are ever vigilant, even with a beer in your hand. Your shot is a perfect combination of power and arc. You’re more of a sniper than a competitor and somehow the more you drink, the better you get. When you win, and you always do, you are gracious and even take the time to gather the beer for the next game every once in awhile. You can stand at that table all night and pick apart your opponents, but you know when its time to bow out gracefully against a worthy opponent and return back to the party. But hell if you don’t demand redemption for a loss and take back the table. You’re not only an MVP, but your shooting partners biggest supporter. When the party is over and you’re kind enough to stay and help clean up, the host always turns to you and says, “You are the Prince of Pong.”