Weird Sh!t You Say When You Try to Eat Paleo

Emily Monaco
(Photo: Shutterstock)

I find that with pretty much every dieting fad, I go through several phases. The first phase is finding the given thing ridiculous. The second phase is researching the fad, realizing that maybe there’s some merit, but deciding that I don’t want to do it. And the third phase, usually coming after a weekend of drinking beer and eating pizza, is deciding to go ahead and try it. I’ve now tried the paleo diet. I think it’s pretty OK. But like all diets, there are some associated oddities, things you say that you probably never thought you’d say.

 

“How on earth could we be out of eggs again?”

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On paleo, breakfast is eggs. Lunch is often eggs. Dinner will often get an egg on top. Meat is expensive, and eggs are not. Which means that I find myself buying a dozen something like every other day.

 

“… What’s that smell? Is that me?”

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Have you ever tried eating a lot of eggs, meat and cruciferous vegetables? How about after having been for all intents and purposes a lax vegetarian for the past 10 years? Let’s just say working from home is a big pro when trying paleo.

 

“No thanks, I’m intermittently fasting.”

The hardest part of any diet is dealing with other people’s reactions. I try not to tell people when I’m dieting, because I’m not interested in other people’s comments, particularly when they’re of one of two natures: “You don’t need to diet,” and “That’s not how you diet.” But because paleo “Isn’t a diet; it’s a lifestyle,” (Yeah, that’s bullshit. It’s a diet.), it’s OK to talk about it. And one of the awesome things that you can say when you don’t want to eat (because, again, it’s a diet), is that you’re “intermittently fasting.” Also known as “skipping lunch.”

 

“I’ve got a bit of a carb flu.”

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Similar to man flu, only this one’s real.

No, but seriously. When you eat a lot of processed carbs and then suddenly cut them out, you get kind of fluy symptoms that you can legitimately blame on paleo. It is not, however, an adequate excuse for not coming in to work, I have learned.

 

“What do you mean you don’t sell beef liver?”

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Paleo’s all about embracing some fairly weird foods, and one of them is offal. When you’re in the paleo mindset, you forget that not everyone eats – or sells – liver, kidney and heart. But they should. It’s delicious. And cooking it is pretty much as close as I have ever felt to being a caveman/cavewoman since trying it.

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