There was a massacre in Brazil yesterday. The Germans arrived, sourced the scantily defended Brazilian net and proceeded to shell it to death for 90 minutes. It was a brutal humiliation. Under the São Paulo clouds the proud football nation endured a torture akin to watching your dad get beat up in your front yard.
America, with our patchy yet enthusiastic knowledge of world football, was stunned. This was Brazil!? The unquestionably amazing soccer team that was to be feared and admired in equal measure? Savvy soccer fans knew this Germany team was capable of knocking the hosts off their perch of delusion, but few would have predicted the merciless beating that was handed out.
So to congratulate the Germans on their enormous victory, we’ve decided to stick the boot into the Brazilians’ kidneys and laud the enduring quality of German beer whilst deriding Brazil’s contribution to alcohol!
7 German Beers
Classic, reliable, old school.
This is Miroslav Klose: The oldest player on an excellent team, demands instant respect, and always turns up with the goods. Great beer.
Dark, strong, and toasty goodness.
This is Bastian Schweinsteiger: The rock in the middle of the team, extremely powerful, and possessing more poise and grace than you’d expect.
Light, wheaty, and refreshing as hell.
This is Thomas Müller: You can turn to him in any situation and expect superb results. He’ll be the focal point of the next two great German football teams.
Tall, powerful, and malty.
This is Manuel Neuer: A huge presence of unquestionable quality, crossing the line between defender and goalkeeper.
Light, everyday, slightly bitter.
This is Mesut Özil: A great player, no doubt, yet his relatively tame season and damp World Cup left him on the periphery.
Firm, fruity, somewhat unpredictable.
This is Lukas Podolski: The striker has fallen out of favor in recent years, but can still turn a trick when called upon. Solid, but not great.
Amber, toasty, strong.
This is Philipp Lahm: The captain. The footballer’s footballer. It’s diverse, powerful, highly rated, and completely reliable.
1 Brazilian Cocktail
Sweet, tart, refreshing.
This is Neymar: Sadly he wasn’t present for the brutality, but he is the shining light in a pitch of mediocrity.