Life

Bizarre Thrift Store Finds

Bizarre Thrift Store Finds January 30, 2018

Ever walk into a thrift store and find something truly bizarre to the point where you have to ask “Did someone actually pay money for this?” and realize holy crap, THEY DID? Turns out there are A LOT of weird thrift store items that are making people react this way. People bought Justin Bieber singing toothbrushes and human teeth. And some VERY QUESTIONABLE toilet lids. For real, there’s enough crazy thrift store merchandise for everyone to gawk over. The main thing to keep in mind here is that one man's trash is also another man's trash. Now carry on with your bizarre thrift store crap.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Hi, I uh, I thought we were getting a mastiff and the wife brought home a Chihuahua.”

Okay.

“I’m definitely NOT donating this because it’s where my wife used to make me sleep when she was mad at me and we’re divorced now.”

Right.

“Okay, I used to sleep there.”

I am SHOOK.

“No you’re not.”

 

No, I am not.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Hi, I uh, I stopped drinking coffee.”

Isn’t that a Starbucks cup in your hand?

“It’s tea.”

Are they making quad espresso tea now? That sounds weird.

“Listen, kid, do you want this turd cup or not? My brother put some rabbit leavings in my Folgers the other day and I just can’t handle this crap anymore.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Mary, I’m taking this abomination to the Goodwill.”

OH MY GOD, MOM. YOU’RE TOTALLY OPPRESSING ME. CAN I NOT HAVE A SINGLE THING THAT REPRESENTS ME IN THIS HOUSE??

*pause* “A bright pink, bedazzled toilet seat where Justin Bieber stares down your crack every time you eat Taco Bell REPRESENTS YOU??”

 

Not as much as the Selena Gomez one in the basement, but yeah.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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*internal monologue*
“Man, Tracy is going to be so pissed at me when she realizes I waited until the night of to buy her an anniversary present. Why is Out of the Closet the only thing open, ughhh. Wait, what are THOSE??”

Excuse me, sir, are these underwear built for two?

“They are.”

Best anniversary present EVER.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Linda, I’m telling you, there is no way we’re going to find the perfect table for our living room here. What are the chances they’ll have a safari themed, glass topped, brown and yellow toned table that’s ALSO anatomically correct??”

…hold my cosmo.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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 “Excuse me, young man, do you know anything about copyright infringement?”

No, ma’am, why?

“Well I am convinced that whatever person brought you this statue stole my likeness and used it to make this statue. And while I AM a firm believer one should always hem a child’s pants while they’re in them, I would never use a stitch that wide and sloppy so I would like to sue.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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You can just tell the artist had great care for his subject. The definition in the musculature is almost sensual in its attention to detail. And the chains obviously mean he wants to break free from the monotony of life and find its spice for once.

“We’re here for a plunger, not more of your weird lady porn, Marie.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“We already have all the games, Timmy. We have Sorry!, Trouble, Risk, Chutes and Ladders, Apples to Apples, Hi-Ho, Cheerio!, Yahtzee, Monopoly, Hungry, Hungry Hippos, Scrabble, Bananagrams, Taboo, Scattegories…what more could you want?”

The game with the guns and beer and "Smitty's XXX Peep Show"!

"You been in my closet again, boy?"

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Hi, can you tell me what size this bacon tuxedo is?”

That’s a puzzle, sir.

“I know, my torso IS just a little longer than most but I do usually fit in a 4 long just fine.”

No, sir, that’s a puzzle you’re holding in your hands.

“Were you looking at me in the dressing room because it is illegal to have cameras in areas where the customers don’t know about it.”

*pause* The tuxedo is a 38 short, sir.

“Damn.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“I think it means this hiker is protected by the inhabitants of the forest because she’s really respected the land and served as an exemplary member of both society and nature. Definitely what the artist was going for.”

I think that bear tried to eat the lady’s sandwich and she straight murder death killed that b*tch.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Hi, I’m looking for a light socket cover that just tells people I am a FIERCE woman. They should know right when they go to flip on the light that I don’t take flack from ANY man and if one of those jerks does come at me, I will give them a piece of my mind AND take something from them.”

…I gotchu, fam.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Hi, my friend Barry told me he was here on Monday and there was some item with my face on it but wouldn’t tell me what. I’m really hoping it’s those silly mugs they made for everyone in the Homecoming Court my Senior year. Slipping on stage accepting my crown when I won was EASILY the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me but I still enjoy the memory as a whole.”

Girl, leave now while you can.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“So can this book make any dream come true?”

I don’t know, sir, I suppose it’ll depend on what your dream is.

“Can it unlock the secret of human sequential DNA so that I can sequence and replicate my genes, enabling to make mini clones of myself like they did in Austin Powers?”

Not all dreams should see the light of day, sir.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“I’m telling you, Boyd, this is gonna be the hat that gets us all the fish. How could anything resist this hat? It’s majestic and graceful, and a really great shade of camo like I haven’t seen in years. We’re gonna blow up the pond with this one.”

Are you even talking about literal fish or are you making a horrible metaphor about dating?

“Yes.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!”

Yes, but this is a door stop; it is literally meant to be placed in the corner to stop a door.

“I don’t think you understand the finality of my first statement. We can’t be pissing off the ghost of Patrick Swayze; he’ll find that pottery lady and haunt us all.”

…I’m going to break now.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“I’m just saying, Gina, there’s no way that woman has ever drank wine from any undergarment. Look at her stomach; the only thing in there right now is a tic-tac and last night’s date.”

Jesus, Tanya, not every person who puts wine in their mouth is also shoving a dozen donuts in there at the same time.

“DON’T FAT SHAME ME, GINA, YOUR MOM ROBBED A 7-Eleven.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Do you wish you were a near-sighted orphan of smaller than average stature? Do you need to mask the smell of sewers, large, deadly, often smelly animals, and/or post-pubescent angst? Do you want to marry the first ginger you ever kiss?? Then have we got a scent for you.”

Shut up and take my money.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“You’re picking your fantasy soccer team, who’s on it, go.”

Is this all time ever?

“Yeah, any soccer/football player that’s ever existed.”

Gotta take Messi, Pele, Beckham, Ibrahimovic, Jesus, Rooney-“

Did you say JESUS??

 

“Yeah, if the dude can walk on water I’m sure he can dribble a GD ball, come on.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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Are we…are we allowed to make fun of something like this anymore? Like, aren’t all of the Goodwill stores staffed by physically and mentally handicapped employees? Are they just sweatshop working those guys now? I don’t even know what’s happening here, just move on to the next weird find.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Wait, who’s getting the anal here? They both look like they’re walking pretty straight.”

It’s the dude.

“How do you know?”

He’s gesturing towards the script and walking with a definite clench in those cheeks. He’s a bottom.

“Maybe he was GIVING the anal?”

Nah, straight up power bottom, bro. Takes one to know one.

“Is this your way of asking me to borrow $4.99 to buy that shirt, Mac?”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Is being sassy A GAME to you, Maurice?? This is real life, kid,”

No, I’m sassy all the time! I told the waiter at The Sizzler last night that if she was gonna go all the way to the Arctic Circle to get the ice for my drink she could have at least brought me back an Eskimo to keep me entertained.”

“The Eskimo are a protected people, man. Don’t let your sass interfere with your class.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“LOL, there’s only room for one ball in there. How many dudes with one ball are running around looking for a crocheted, patriotic nut warmer??”

I only have one ball.

“Oh man, I’m so sorry. What happened?”

I really wanted that nut warmer and it seemed worth it.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Hahaha, so you can make a hole in one while you’re making a number two!”

Oh wow, Pete, you’ve got to be the first person to ever make that joke. You should really see if their marketing department is hiring.

“They are. I got fired from there last week, remember?”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“What are we going to get my parents for their anniversary?”

Something that hasn’t been displayed between half of the Encyclopedia Brittanica and Furby that knows most of the words?

“Shut up, we’re already here. Look for something that says ‘We like to travel and do exotic things because we’re so cosmopolitan’”.

Can it be SUPER flamboyant?

“I mean, as long as it’s not two half-naked bleached white people dancing the tango, I guess.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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I don’t know what this hell beast is and I have a serious doubt ANY LIVING PERSON has seriously inquired about it since it showed up in whatever backwoods thrift store it’s currently living in but if someone DID ask about it, I’m sure the only logical question would be “Can I open my beer with it?”. 

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Cheryl, weren’t you just talking about how you’d make more of an effort to track your weight and exercise if it weren’t so cold in the winter that you had to weigh yourself with your shoes on, therefore corrupting the data- your words? Well check this out!”

…shut up, Evelyn.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Is the artist’s name ‘Daddy’ or ‘Paddy’?”

I’m not sure, man, this showed up in our donations pile last night. I wasn’t working.

“Do you think it MIGHT be ‘Daddy’?”

I don’t know, man, probably?

“Good. I think that’s right anyway. And I’m sure Daddy will approve of this purchase.”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Hey, I’m looking for an anniversary gift for my girlfriend. You got any suggestions?”

Sure, I can help. What’s she like?

She’s about 5’5”, likes dogs, likes painting, I guess. She’s from…Idaho? Yeah, Idaho. And uh, she’s had three of my kids in the last four years.”

I gotchu, fam.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Things this cow might have been doing before his image was captured and turned into a stuffed animal, go.”

Getting high on his own supply.

“Experimenting” with that bull across the way.

Getting a nipplectomy.

Huffing glue.

Finding out how delicious his people are and coming to terms with the fact that he will never crave anything more than his own flesh.

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Yo, Chuck, check it out. They gave you some red hair and turned you into a statue.”

Ha ha, very funny. But you know I’m not Irish, come on.

“Are you under 5’5” tall?”

Yeah.

“So you have a squeak in your voice?”

Yeah.

“Do you or do you not own a pair of green tights?”

You know those were for when I was a Ninja Turtle for Halloween.

*grabs friend* “Where’s the pot of gold, Chucky?”

Can you imagine being the people bringing this crap in?

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“Mom, how old is Snowball?”

I guess she’s just about 6 years old, Kiki, why?

“Is 6 years old old enough to learn about Jesus?”

I suppose it depends what part of the bible you’re teaching her.

“The part about the hookers! And the wine!”

...the cat's an atheist, Kiki.

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