Having a robot monster for a sidekick, adversary, or ally is a pretty sweet deal for people who don’t want to get a pet because they won’t be able to handle it when it dies in 12 years. If you’re the kind of dude who’s been scarred for life by the rapid decay of carnival fish, robot monsters might be for you! Most robot monsters are pretty dangerous, because they’re robots, so we’ve put together a list of the top five deadliest mechanical beasts to avoid if your life is a Bryan Singer movie.
Weighing in at 40,000 tons, this robot Godzilla is also equipped with laser eyes, forcefields, missile-launching toes, and, like Linda Blair, his head can rotate 360 degrees. MechaGodzilla was built as a planet-destroying weapon, by space Gorillas after his mutant predecessors didn’t quite the smash Godzilla into submission. Initially, he masquerades as the real Godzilla and kicks some major ass, until Godzilla actually shows up and sends him back to his home planet in a matchbox. This doesn’t stop the Simians from re-building a bigger, better MechaGodzilla, and it certainly didn’t stop the studio from making a shitty sequel.
#4: Songbird (Bioshock Infinite)
Like the Big Daddy’s before him, Songbird is technically not a full fledged “robot”, but hey menacing cyborg bird monsters still deserve a position on this list. The threat of getting scooped up by Songbird is constantly looming throughout BioShock Infinite, and even his shrill caws are enough to send shivers up you spine. The really messed up thing is that his death is close to being one of the most emotionally distressing events in the game. RIP Songbird, I won’t miss you repeatedly trying to murder me, but you were Elizabeths only friend who probably didn’t deserve to painfully drown.
#3: The Sentinels (Matrix)
These Matrix robots put Agent Smith to shame. For starters, they’re real, so suck on that you glorified kung-fu Clippy! The sight of even one of these things is enough to make you poop your panties, but of course these killer calamari like to travel in swarms. Did I mention that they have lasers? And piercing claws… and the ability to sense even the slightest bit of sound you make? Yeah, I’d happily plug into the Matrix and let these robo-squids siphon my life energy just to not tick them off.
#2: Grimlock (Transformers)
Even though he talks in the same third person style as the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street, Grimlock is far from cuddly. He’s the most fearsome and powerful member of the Dinobots, which is exactly what I want my job title to be when I grow up. He’s just as strong as Optimus Prime, except he can totally turn into a T-Rex, which is the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Unlike Optimus, Gridlock is kind of a dick to people he feels are inferior to him, and by “kind of a dick,” I mean totally cold and merciless. He has a rocket launcher, an energon sword, and can shoot energy rays from his mouth like a frat guy projectile vomiting on a beer pong table. He’s also the only Dinobot who’s name doesn’t begin with the letter “S” which is how I imagine the offspring of the Kardashians must feel when surrounded by their entire “K-name” predecessors.
#1: The Harbinger (Mass Effect 2)
The Harbinger is a Reaper, aka, a gigantic living spaceship. In Mass Effect 2, the Harbinger possesses the Collector General and forces the Collectors to abduct the whole population of human colonies to try to turn them into a Human-Reaper hybrids. Like demons, the Harbinger gives no fucks when it comes to possessing a Collector. The process of possession is super painful, and ultimately kills the Collector. When he attacks Earth in Mass Effect 3, it’s revealed that the Harbinger is the OG member of the Reaper fleet. He’s super strong and super terrifying, so the whole Earth takeover thing kind of sucked. For us, not for him. I’m sure it was a pretty sweet deal for the Harbinger at the time.