“There has to be a better way!” starts every late-night infomercial for residential cleaning products. Some inventor thinks they have a better way to get a job done, and by golly, they want to share their discovery with the world. For just four easy payments of $19.99.
Now Kourtney Kardashian, of the Kardashian family, wants to share her secret to eating candy with us peasants. Because forever unbeknownst to we vassals, there is a better way to consume Kit Kat bars, and in her infinite generosity, Kourt’s going to tell us all for free.
What could this secret skill, this hidden method, this answer to a nonexistent riddle be? Let’s take the journey together:
– “I hope I don't get this on my white couch.”
In show business, we call this a hook. Something to get the viewer emotionally invested in what they’re watching. Feel that clenching in your gut? Kourtney’s fears are now our fears.
– More suspense:
The bass. The zoom. The prominently displayed "Follow" button.
– A real opportunity missed here. I always like to imagine the Kardashians' alliterative skills were based on Mortal Kombat — anything close to a hard 'c' becomes a 'k'. Maybe they couldn’t agree on the spelling, "Kuirks" or "Kwerks."
– We’re informed there are six steps to eating a Kit Kat. Klearly the Kardashians know something I don’t, because I could’ve sworn there were just three: unwrap, devour in less than 10 seconds, and self-hate.
– “I’m going to show you guys something that Kim taught me…”
…and then no Ray J cameo. Lost half your audience right there, Kourt.
– “…I think we were like 7 or 8. It’s how to eat a Kit Kat, and it’s pretty life changing.”
Every Mother’s Day, I call home to talk to the woman who brought me in to this world, to tell her how much I appreciate everything she’s done for me and how much I love her. And every year, she in turn tells me the story of the day her life changed forever, when she finally got the hang of eating a Kit Kat bar.
– “First of all, it makes you eat less, because you’re eating it so slow.”
This feels like a seventh-grade math question: if one Kardashian eats Kit Kats at 3 bites/second, and another Kardashian endorses a high-end eye liner, whose mobile app will get the most downloads before awards season?
– “It’s kinda melted.”
The plot thickens. The chocolate doesn’t.
-“ First, you break off a piece. Like, one piece.”
In case Kourt was being vague about the number of pieces we’re to break off, she repeats it, then prints it on the bottom third of the video. That’s three times she told you. You have no excuse for breaking off two pieces. You have nowhere to hide.
– “And then you eat the chocolate off the end, and the other end.”
Really, these are just two small bites. Like, perhaps, a katerpillar or a kockroach would take.
– “Uh oh, I ate too much. You’re not supposed to eat the crunchy part yet.”
I’m starting to doubt Kourt’s kualifications (kwalifications?) to teach this subject. Already, in the second act, we have failures and shortcomings. Is my trust in the Kardashians misplaced? I don’t know what to believe anymore.
– “Then, you eat the chocolate from each side.”
More katerpillar bites. But earlier, Kourt bemoaned her Kit Kat melting, and holding a best-served-cold chocolate treat between two 98.6-degree fingers for over five minutes does not a solid candy bar make.
Now what’s going through her head? Anyone’s guess. But I can tell you what’s going through her fingers: chocolate.
– “And then, you pull the top layer off, and eat that. And by the way, this tastes so much better.”
At this juncture, fate stepped in, and I paused the video on an incriminating moment:
That’s not the face of someone happy with their Kit Kat experience. That’s the face Buzz made before vomiting in Home Alone.
– “Like, I would never even dream to eat a Kit Kat—just, like, bite into it.”
We know Kourt’s dreams: not eating a Kit Kat normally. We know Kourts fears: getting chocolate on her white couch. Will she come full circle, and share with us her hopes?
– “Then you separate it again, and eat the bottom piece.”
All this separating, this picking and choosing, seems vaguely like profiling. I’m not saying it’s racist, but I’m not saying it’s not racist.
– “And then the best part, of the whole Kit Kat —"
I just realized the initials of Kit Kat are KK. I feel slightly slow, but am comforted knowing that the Kardashians probably haven’t realized that either.
– “—is this middle piece, which is so good.”
Under Kourtney’s rule, thou shalt have to eat all the delicious chocolate off the chocolate candy bar, and leave yourself a thin wafer of sadness at the end. She’d have ye peasants believe this madness was for the best, but ask yourself, when you split an Oreo in half, is the cookie ever better than the icing?
The defense rests.
– “And that’s it. That’s how you eat a Kit Kat. And I guarantee you if you do that once you will never eat a Kit Kat any other way.”
Kourtney hopes you will eat a Kit Kat like her.