Fake Celeb New Year’s Resolutions for 2013

Matt Dekneef
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The New Year: a time to string a convoluted, inflated sentence together that is going to improve your life forever for the better…and then stick to it for a week, two tops. This annual tradition isn’t just reserved for me and you, but your favorite celebrities also.

Recently, some stars have shared their resolutions for 2013 this us. Tom Parker from The Wanted told Hollyscoop that he’s going to really try to give up smoking this year, Christina Milian wants to lose ten pounds, and talk show host Conan O’Brien kept it funny and light promising to never visit his relatives again. “That’s really the resolution,” he jokes, “because it never goes well.”

We hear you, Conan. Resolutions, while a moment to acknowledge what we could focus on offering us a second of self-awareness, they never really go well.

While celebs get theirs in order, this got us thinking about what other celebs might want to work on these next 365 days…

Taylor Swift: To enjoy being single (for at least 48 hours).

Kristen Stewart: Lift the corners of her lips up and hold them there for at least five seconds more often, commonly referred to as a smile.

Lindsay Lohan: To not drink and drive, drink and punch psychics, drink and stalk boy bands, drink and skip court, drink and “act” like Elizabeth Taylor, drink and do anything.

Snooki: Learn how to walk straight, so she can teach her son Lorenzo soon.

Jessica Simpson: Either be pregnant or be a Weight Watchers spokesmodel. Pick an aisle: Baby food or whole grains.

Britney Spears: Give coherent criticism on next season of the “X Factor.”

Charlie Sheen: Schedule a consultation with the nearest dentist. Preferably not Ke$ha’s.

Donald Trump: Stick to his own actual business, stay out of everyone else’s.

Rihanna: Check into rehab for Instagram.

Gabriel Aubry: Boxing lessons.

Miley Cyrus: Give away her dogs, adopt a stripper.

Anne Hathaway: Get some Givenchy panties to go with her Givenchy.

Courtney Stodden: Read. The “My First Book” series is a good start.

Ryan Gosling: Nothing. He’s perfect.

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