Michael Bay’s “Duke Nukem” John Cena Movie Will Be the Worst Film Ever

Matthew Loffhagen
3D Realms
(Photo: 3D Realms)

Oh crap. Crappity crap crap. Michael Bay is making a “Duke Nukem” movie.

Apparently not content with butchering the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” and “Transformers” franchises, Bay is taking another swing at some lowhanging fruit, aiming to create a movie about explosions, pop-culture references, aliens, and unnecessarily stupid machismo.

It’s hard to be clear how much Bay will actually be involved with this ridiculous project – all that we know currently is that his production studio, Platinum Dunes, will be making the movie.

Duke Nukem Dumb Machismo
Source: 3D Realms

That said, Bay didn’t direct either of the “Ninja Turtles” movies, and they still stink of his particular style.

In many ways, it’s hard to argue with the fact that Bay is the perfect director to make a “Duke Nukem” movie. The video games that gave birth to this character are full of things that Michael Bay loves, such as stupid heroic tough guys, firefights, and, of course, disgusting levels of female objectification.

It’s also worth noting that John Cena is in talks to play Duke, and that feels like a fairly good fit too, in that Cena is big and brawny, and that’s really the only thing an actor needs in order to play this one-dimensional character.

The stars have all aligned fairly well on this particular project, but that doesn’t mean that this movie should ever actually be made.

The entire “Duke Nukem” video game franchise feels incredibly problematic in modern times. The games treat women with bizarrely aggressive contempt, as they’re reduced to sexy possessions for Duke to get worked up over when aliens threaten them.

Duke Nukem Embarrassment
Source: 3D Realms

Duke himself is born from a previous era of male representation. He’s a dinosaur of a character, left over from the Stallone era of Hollywood, and it’s probably safe to say that, as ironic as he might be, he’s probably not the kind of role model we want a generation of young boys to get attached to.

The good news is that it’s been a while since there was a “Duke Nukem” game that anybody actually cared about.

The bad news is that if Michael Bay is involved with this movie, it’ll probably be the purest, most violently offensive work he’s ever created, perfectly communicating his core belief that might makes right and that women (even underage ones) exist purely for men to ogle.

Here’s hoping that this movie never actually gets made. All in all, it sounds like the worst possible tripe that any movie studio could ever manage to produce, but with all the talent attached to it, “Duke Nukem” might actually end up being a surprise blockbuster hit.

What a horrible world we live in.