Sony’s Latest Board Game Movie is the Most Ridiculous Idea Since ‘Battleship’

Matthew Loffhagen
Catan GmbH
(Photo: Catan GmbH)

Sony Pictures, what’s going on?

You’re clearly struggling. You made The Emoji Movie, after all. You’ve got Tom Hardy playing Venom in a spin-off movie to a franchise you don’t own.

You’ve greenlit a Settlers of Catan movie.

Seriously, Settlers of Catan. A game with so little plot that it might as well be tic-tac-toe for all the story potential it holds.

According to producer Gail Katz:

“We’re excited to be working with Sony to bring the iconic world of Catan to life. As huge fans of the game, we’re struck by the endless possibilities of stories that it could inspire. It’s not every day that you have the opportunity to work in a world beloved by millions of people, and expand its story for the screen.”

“The world of Catan”?! There is no world, there’s just a consistent attempts to pave longer and longer roads while trying to avoid rolling a seven!

The most enjoyable part of Settlers is snickering at people constantly saying that they’ve “got wood”. This particular well has already been picked clean by Big Bang Theory, and it certainly can’t be stretched over the length of an entire film.

Oh good, we’re going to get an entire movie of that. This will no doubt be a fantastic cinematic experience.

Still, there’s something nice about the idea that Sony will basically buy up any movie pitch, no matter how shallow.

It’s proof, if ever we needed it, that you don’t need to actually have any kind of talent or wisdom to become an executive at a major Hollywood studio. Sony clearly will let any old chump start making crucial decisions on their behalf, they’re so utterly lost and directionless at present.

What’s more, it’s heartwarming for all the artists laboring on passion projects right now.

No matter what you’re making, whether it’s a macaroni sculpture or a card game or a meme or a pair of homemade underwear, if you work hard enough and get your creation seen by the right people, there’s a chance that Sony will want to buy the rights to turn your work of art into a movie.

Source: Catan GmbH

If you’ve managed to create something that’s gone temporarily viral, all the better – Sony will snap up any brand recognition they can afford, as long as it doesn’t involve an actual movie premise that people might want to watch.

Get ready for Fidget Spinners: The Movie, coming July 2021.

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