Why John Malkovich as Poirot in “The ABC Murders” Will Be Unintentionally Hilarious

Matthew Loffhagen
(Photo: Universal)

John Malkovich is jumping on the Agatha Christie popularity train.

He ought to be careful. People get murdered on that train with surprising regularity.

Last year, Kenneth Branagh took a turn as Christie’s most famous detective, Hercule Poirot. His peculiarly mustachioed take on the character in “Murder on the Orient Express” paints the character as a tortured genius; unable to enjoy life because his deductive skills are just too distracting.

As neat as this movie was, I don’t think I need to see all detectives turned into this kind of troubled archetype. Sure, everyone wants to be Benedict Cumberbatch, but sometimes it’s just fun to watch a jovial, good natured if slightly pompous Belgian detective solve some clever murder puzzles.

This being the case, I’m absolutely thrilled that John Malkovich himself will be taking on the role of Hercule Poirot for Amazon’s upcoming show, “The ABC Murders”.

I am so excited for this. Malkovich will be the perfect fit for Poirot in many ways. I feel like his particular, shall we say, peculiarities will make for a wonderful version of this character.

I want to see Malkovich just being ever so slightly odd, all while being more charming than anyone could really expect. His performance stands to be absolutely excellent.

The Accent’s The Thing

Of course, I’m also very excited to hear him as Poirot. I can’t help but think about just how atrocious Malkovich’s fake French accent is, and I imagine his Belgian won’t be much better.

Oh boy, this is going to be fun! An entire show in which Malkovich chews scenery, all while affecting the world’s least convincing accent!

Kenneth Branagh may have cornered the market in attempts to make the “Sherlock” universe Poirot. “The ABC Murders” sounds like it’ll be the equivalent of the 1960’s Batman TV show.

This sounds like it’ll be a good laugh, especially as the tragically underrated Rupert Grint will be appearing in the show as well.

Of course, it still probably won’t beat my favorite version of Hercule Poirot. Nobody can beat Jason Alexander.