Why “xXx 4” Will Be the Greatest Movie Ever Made

Matthew Loffhagen
Paramount
(Photo: Paramount)

I don’t think anyone could ever have predicted the return of the Vin Diesel “xXx” brand.

Last decade, we got a pair of movies starring Vin Diesel and Ice Cube, respectively, as a pair of extreme sports stars turned secret agents. At the time, this felt like an entirely unironic attempt to appeal to the sensitivity of a generation of bikers and skaters who genuinely thought that this kind of stuff was cool.

Then, culture moved on. By and large, the world (thankfully) realized that skateboards are actually kind of dumb, and we all agreed to forget that this chapter of ‘00s society could be forgotten forever, along with that weird trend for soul patches.

(Shudder.)

Vin Diesel built a lasting career out of pretending to drive cars in an increasingly weird series of scenarios, and that seemed fine. The “Fast and Furious” movies essentially turned into a parody of themselves, and it ended up working really, really well.

Nobody could have expected Diesel to do the same thing with “xXx”.

Vin Diesel Fur Coat
Source: Paramount

Yet, here we are, in a world where Vin Diesel has purchased the rights to the series so that he can build off the back of “xXx: The Return of Xander Cage”, as he works to turn this into yet another longrunning franchise that he can milk eternally.

It’s an odd choice, considering that Diesel is no spring chicken, but he clearly sees the appeal of co-opting sk8ter nostalgia in ironic, overly bombastic action scenes.

Plus, if you get my mancrush of the hour, Donnie Yen, on board, things are definitely going to work out.

Do you know what? I’m really, genuinely excited for the next “xXx” movie.

It’s going to be terrible, there’s no doubt about that. It’s also, quite possibly, going to be the best movie ever made!

“Best Movie Ever”

I feel like the movie industry is very slowly realizing that gritty, grimdark movies are really stupid. Trying to be cool and edgy is a waste of time, so more and more action movies of the modern era are embracing all the campy, cheeky stupidity of the B-movies of yesteryear.

The result is colorful, nonsensical fun. Vin Diesel riding a motorbike through the ocean. Or skiing down a jungle mountain.

Donnie Yen and Vin Diesel
Source: Paramount

Maybe films don’t have to be big and serious and heavy. Maybe we don’t need faux drama and emotion. Sometimes, it’s nice to have a movie that’s ridiculous without any pretense.

I don’t think “xXx 4” will be a flawless, emotional masterpiece. It’ll be the Best Movie Ever in the way that overexcited preteens describe whatever the flavor of the month might be.

But that’s exactly what it’s trying to be, and now that Diesel, himself a big kid that’s found his way into a weird position of power in Hollywood, has free reign to do whatever weird stuff he can think up.

I’m on board for this. Best Movie Ever, totally. Why wouldn’t it be?