Cake is the most disgusting dessert, and should be renamed “garbage on a plate.” I would rather eat a tray of Brussels sprouts than a slice of red velvet.
If, on your birthday, your friends or family buy you a cake, what they are really saying is,”We don’t love you, and we wish you the worst this year.” Also, deep down you know your wish when you blow out the candles is for a slice of anything other than a nasty cake.
Eating cake for me feels like a chore. I would rather wash the dishes used to make a cake than to have the job of actually eating one. Cake is spongey. You know what else is spongey? Sponges. Have you ever thought about eating a sponge? It’s even worse when someone makes a “moist” cake. That’s like eating a wet and soggy sponge that you just used to wash your crockpot.
I also think cake was an accident. I think someone f—ed up making a batch of brownies, and since they weren’t gooey and delicious they named it cake. It was so nasty that they had to add icing on top to try to mask the vomit inducing texture.
BTW, no other desserts require icing. Pie is a baller with its buttery crust and sweet filling. Brownies deliver those dense chocolatey bars we all crave. And cookies, they can send you into a food coma like no other. Cake literally makes me wish I was in an actual coma so I could be away from its nastiness.
It’s also worth noting that, in weddings, the traditional cutting of the cake ceremony involves the bride and groom smashing pieces of cake into each other’s faces. They do that because they love the person they’re marrying. They know if the cake gets smashed and destroyed, then neither of them will have to actually eat it. True love can be so beautiful.
All of this also applies to cupcakes. I’m pretty sure someone (the devil) rebranded cake by calling it cupcakes, because cake sales were down. I’m onto you, cake pushers, and your cute marketing antics. Also, did you ever realize that cake almost rhymes with hate? It also rhymes with rake, which is a tool used for a chore people hate. Coincidence? Probably not. There are signs all around us proving that cake is the most disgusting dessert.
If you say you like cake, you’re a liar. Your either lying to the world or to yourself. Can everyone just stop buying and baking cakes so we can have more room for desserts that are actually good? Next time you think about buying a cake, try literally anything else first. Cake is the most disgusting dessert, and a pox on our birthdays, holiday dinners and weddings. We need to make room for the real desserts that actually matter (and taste good).