Papa John’s Hands Are Now Insured For a Small Fortune

Malcolm Freberg
(Photo: )


How much do you think your hands are worth? Realistically — you're not Jesus, you don't have a Luke Skywalker prosthetic. How often and proficiently you 'handle yourself' doesn't add value, either.

Thanks to Lloyd's of London, 'the world's largest specialist insurance market', Papa John Schnatter now knows exactly how much his mitts are worth: a cool $15.4 million.

How the shit one's hands are worth over $7 million each beggars belief — despite what the commercials show, the man does not hand-make every Papa John's pizza while engaging in witty banter with Peyton Manning. 


Daily Mail

Schnatter now joins the illustrious body-insured ranks of Heidi Klum (legs) and Madonna (boobs). But frankly, it's difficult to see the value of a middle-aged mans hands compared to a model's legs and a pop stars bosom. Where did that massive dollar amount come from?

The answer is… weird.

The UK insurance agency rang up Amy Garner, who's described as a 'leading Palmist,' to appraise Papa John's hands. These are real quotes:

"The 'whorl' finger print on his right ring finger demonstrates Papa John is a 'Master of Creativity'."

"Papa John's rich imagination supports this –  as demonstrated by his head line, which curves down on the right hand. This is ideal for creating eye-catching pizza topping and delicious recipes, essential in the business of making and selling pizzas."


Your Black World

I stand corrected. I think…

The takeaway from all this is that Schnatter is winning at life (in case you haven't seen his house theme park before…). Also, if you ever get the chance, do NOT high five him — it's not worth the risk.