People Who Eat Hamburgers Upside Down Are Smarter Than You

Malcolm Freberg
(Photo: )

 

Some ideas turn the world on its head. Some ideas turn hamburgers on their head. One idea does both.

Ready to have your mind blown?

 

This is my brother, at a restaurant, about to eat a burger. Please ignore his earing, poor choices run in our family. He, probably like you, has always eaten hamburgers in the traditional manner:

 

But look at that awkward hand positioning. How is that natural? Looks like he's trying to perform a basketball chest pass, or fire a hadouken at Chun Li. 

Right now, at your keyboard, pretend to lift an imaginary hamburger off a plate. Go ahead, I'll wait. Feel the tension in your shoulders, the mild strain of your forearms? I know you're in perfectly good shape, but imagine if you were 80 — you may have just had a heart attack, which would be terribly inconvenient for everyone else in the restaurant.

 

Now look at this grip. Hands in their natural position, comfortable with minimal effort. This is how one naturally picks up anything else off a table — go ahead, pick up your keyboard/laptop. See that grip? Look familiar? 

What's more, the fingers are underneath, supporting the the weight of his meal more than a pair of measly thumbs ever could. You, being the wise, good-looking person you are, can't tell me this grip doesn't make sense.

"But, like, how do I, like, get it to my mouth, like, like this?"

You already see it, as clear as day. Like the first time you spoke to God or got to third base, the realization of what's about to happen, and subsequent rush of endorphins, is pure exultation (or so I hear re: religion):

 

You flip it. It's the natural range of motion, what elbows were designed for. Eating a burger upside down correctly is working with your body, aligning your chi.

"But the big half of the bun is, likelikelike, on the bottom! That's, like, wrong!"

It makes all the sense in the world, like, for realz yo. Think about it: bread is soft baked flour, which is the opposite of a reliable support structure. An eater needs all the help they can get to contain patty, lettuce, and tomato. Shit, think of sloppy joes on a soggy bun, getting all over your new cargo shorts. It's the worst.

Using the bigger side of the bun for the bottom provides more stability for your sandwich. It's ergonomically correct. It prevents heart attacks. Join me and the other sages in the land of correct burger technique today.

This has been a public service announcement.