True Confessions: I Went On A Date With A Wet Hot Burrito

Lindsay Weglarz
wet hot burrito
(Photo: wet hot burrito)

Dating in LA is hard. I’m sure it’s hard everywhere, but I really struggle to find quality guys out here. Too many guys have stood me up or left dates early. So I tried to think outside of the box. I’ve used OK Cupid, Tinder and Bumble in the past. But one app I hadn’t tried using for a date yet was Yelp. Which is what led me to my date with a wet hot burrito.

date with a wet and hot burrito

It was so easy using Yelp to find my next date. I searched burritos, high-rating, and “$$$.” Because I will splurge for a good one. Before long, I found a match and headed out to pick him up. I don’t consider myself old-fashioned, and I like breaking the mold. So it felt good that I was picking him up, and I didn’t mind at all that he couldn’t drive. 

date with a wet and hot burrito

My date with a wet hot burrito

Our first stop was the pier. I always wanted to ride the Ferris wheel with a date, but no guy ever wanted to go with me. Bae-rrito was totally down though. It was tough getting him onto the ride with me, because he was way below the “you must be this tall” sign’s minimum requirement. Luckily, he was cool with hiding in my purse for a few minutes. And I really liked that about him. He enjoyed down-time and wasn’t all high-maintenance. In that moment, I felt so lucky to be on a date with a wet and hot burrito.

date with a wet and hot burrito

Next, we went to see a movie. I picked a scary one because I can’t watch them alone. Yes, I paid for my own ticket, but I didn’t mind. I get it that burritos don’t have cash, or understand how money works, or even possess sentience. Anyway, I had to sneak him in again. But this time I put him in my jacket pocket. Who knew deep pockets were basically sleeping bags for burritos?

date with a wet and hot burrito

As the movie was playing, things started heating up between me and Bae-rrito. I was scared of the movie, but he was so calm that it made me feel really safe. So I just went for it. I’m an independent woman, and I don’t have to wait for a guy to kiss me first. As soon as my lips touched Bae-rrito’s warm, soft tortilla, I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I was in love. I tried to slow down because I always move too fast, but it was already too late. Within minutes, Bae-rrito was inside me. And I can honestly say I have never felt more satisfied.

date with a wet and hot burrito

After the movie, I threw away Bae-rrito’s wrapper and wiped off whatever burrito juice was left on my face. (I asked for extra sour cream, so I’m sure you can imagine the mess it made.) I know I’ll never see him again, but that was the best first date of my entire life. I’ll always remember my date with a wet hot burrito.

date with a wet and hot burrito

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