Your Fancy Pork Belly Is Just a Big Piece of Bacon

Alec Rojas
(Photo: )

Click here for Alec’s vicious rant against the horrors of Brussels Sprouts!

Let’s face it: in today’s hyper-selfie culture, looks are everything. It’s about arching your back for Snapchat, squeezing faces into the Instagram frame, syncing your coolest videos together for Vine.

Food, not dining, became a part of that ritual. It doesn’t matter what meal it is—breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, lunch, mid-day snack, coffee break, high tea, tea, happy hour, munchies, dinner, dessert, late night snack, what have you. This is your chance to show off your gluttony, brag about your disgusting and poorly cut chunk of pork belly, and also flaunt your inexplicably toned body. 

Well I have to stop blaming you. We all killed the trend. But back to that pork belly…

Image via Tumblr

It might be a bigger scam than Brussels sprouts or kale. Brussels sprouts may generally taste and look like a vile spore from your skeezy uncle’s couch. Kale looks like a rotten merkin from the 19th century, but with less flavor. However, they do have one thing going for them: that whole vegetable status. Health nuts can justify their inclusion into the most basic of diets.

You can’t do that with pork belly at all.

No, this is the fattiest trend that’s still served and called a delicacy. Seriously, the fat to meat ratio of pork belly is borderline yack-worthy. “But it tastes amazing” remains the standard justification for slathering your face with uncut bacon. Before being cooked, ONE OUNCE of pork belly has 23% of your daily value of fat. Unsmoked, uncured, nearly 100% fat. That’s right, you eat four ounces, you best tap out for the night. ‘Cause fattie gonna getcha.

Image via Tumblr – Dat fat…

That being said, I have a reputation as a serial hedonist, a glutton who can eat without abandon, one of the rare people with a hollow leg that doubles as a second stomach. And I’ve enjoyed my pork belly, blissfully unaware that it’s just a lesser, cheaper form of bacon. I mean, when haven’t we been satisfied by salt and fat? The recipe is as old as humanity itself.

Next time you order something with pork belly in it, use the classic “re-imagining” trick to make this food look the way it is. No, it’s not pork belly. It’s half a slab of bacon cooked in a fancy way.  Let’s face it. The trend is dead.