28 Twitter Jokes You Only Get If You Suck At Dieting Bryan Brandom *Chandler voice* Could I BE any more of a diet failure? 5. Repeat Step 4 for all eternity. Better make sure the ice cream shop is clear as well. If only we could lie to people's eyes too. That makes them jam-burgers. Your mission, should you choose to accept it—resist the cinnamon rolls. She's already lost negative three pounds! A true diet failure doesn't even know what a leftover is. So good at dieting, she does it in her sleep—and ONLY in her sleep. Just 5? Stay safe, eat artery-clogging doughnuts instead. God damn you, Mary from accounting. That's pretty much like eating negative one cookie. Cuuuuuz it looks like a cake. Taste the rain—no? You're a martyr. More beast than beauty, unfortunately. I belieb in you! This man needs vegetables, stat! Why you gotta be like that, diet? Go Terminator on them. Can we make this happen? 10 things I hate about crou ... tons. Move over, Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos. Not my fault everything tastes better when everyone else is asleep. *Unintelligible, mouth-stuffed muttering* How do you stick to it for so long though? That'll do it.