The Absolute Worst As Seen on TV Products You’ll Want to Drop None of Your Dollars On

Most of us have basked in the warm glow of the late-night TV screen at least once or twice in our lives. (That number is substantially higher for some, which is totally OK.) Which means you've probably seen one of those wee-hours infomercials. And maybe you've even ordered one of the products. Still, not all of those As Seen on TV stuff are of equal quality. So here are some of the absolute worst As Seen on TV products to ever hit the market.

SlobStopper

The SlobStopper is essentially an adult bib marketed to the "busy, commuter lifestyle." Because apparently its worse to be a clumsy driver with an occasional coffee spill than to be an unstained creep dressed like an adult baby. Hey, here's a bright idea: Keep a spare change of clothes around just in case.

UroClub

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] Have you ever been in the middle of a round of 18 holes when the need to use the bathroom hits so hard that you can’t wait to find a urinal? With the UroClub, you don’t have to. It's a hollow golf club for you to pee into. In front of your friends, who will 100 percent never be able to tell. Discreet!

Lady Elegance P EZ Travel Urinal For Women

Because we’re equal-opportunity here, we couldn’t go without mentioning the female version of a the portable urinal. The Lady Elegance P EZ Travel Urinal For Women is a discreet way to go anytime, anywhere. But sadly it isn’t nearly as discreet as a golf club. Maybe someday.

Sauna Pants

Love saunas? Love that warm, sweaty sensation that comes with being inside of a sauna? Wish you could focus that feeling directly onto your balls? Of course you do. You're nobody's fool. And the threat of electrocution to your private parts is just a bonus.

FIR-Real Sauna

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] If you’re willing to shell out a little more dough (and a fair amount of your dignity), the FIR-Real Sauna offers all the benefits of a room-sized infrared sauna in a miniature tent-sized package. The ladies of The View support it, so it must be good.

Belly Burner

Designed to "supercharge the calorie burning process," the Belly Burner works by… heating your abs. So you wear it while you work out, and supposedly it makes your abdominal muscles work harder because they're warm. Sure.

Tiddy Bear

A lot of people can look back on their childhood car experiences and remember their parents having some sort of fuzzy seatbelt protector installed. The Tiddy Bear is that, except it’s shaped like a teddy bear. Because that’s cute?

The Backup

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] Whether or not you believe in better gun control in this country, surely we can all agree that having a loaded shotgun attached to the side of your mattress is not the best idea for gun storage. Who’s to say what would happen if your mattress springs were in less than stellar condition?

Slanket Siamese

As if the original Slanket (or Snuggie) weren’t bad enough, the creators of your favorite blanket with sleeves decided to go ahead and sew two of them together. So you can look the part of a lazy SOB, but with a partner.

Better Marriage Blanket

It’s pretty safe to say that the entire fate of a marriage rests in a couple’s ability to fart discreetly. At last that’s what the Better Marriage Blanket assumes. No amount of gas can topple your relationship as long as you use their product, which is made of "the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons."

Snore Stop Anti-Snore Strap

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] If your SO consistently wakes you in the middle of the night with their loud snoring, the answer shouldn’t be a pack of Breathe Right strips. Instead, why not muzzle them completely with what looks like a modern-day torture apparatus made of elastic? 

Neckline Slimmer

Preying on women’s insecurities is an As Seen on TV mainstay. And for women over the age of 40, neck fat and excess skin is a real concern. The Neckline Slimmer is a product that promises plastic surgery level results in only minutes a day, so you know it’s legit.

 

Skinnies Instant Lifts

For the low, low price of just $19.95 (plus $4.59 shipping and handling), you too can fix that sagging skin anywhere on your body and instantly look like a supermodel. Or, you could just head to your local office supply and pick up a roll of packing tape, which is essentially the exact same thing.

 

Kush Support

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] Marketed toward pregnant women and those with breast implants, the Kush Support is a hard plastic “pillow” that supports women with a C-cup or higher. It doesn’t do any of those things, and according to some of the reviews on Amazon, using it can actually lead to mastitis.

 

Booty Pop

It’s a fact that not every one of us was gifted with a backside like J-Lo’s. But why would you want to spend hours at the gym doing squats to get that shape naturally, when you could just throw on a pair of padded underwear instead?

 

PajamaJeans

When you can’t stomach the idea of putting on real clothing but you’re also looking to be more fashionable than the soccer moms in workout leggings, PajamaJeans are the solution. They’ll set you back the price of some good activewear, too. At $40 a pop, PajamaJeans aren’t exactly a steal.

 

Cami Secret

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] The Cami Secret is a triangle-shaped piece of fabric that attaches to your bra straps and somehow manages to turn your most inappropriate shirts into proper work and daytime attire. Because putting on an actual camisole is so much more tedious than attaching a lacy bib to your bra.

 

My Secret Hair Enhancer

You know what isn’t much of a secret? When you use spray paint to hide a bald spot. My Secret Hair Enhancer “adds volume and color to fine and thinning hair,” but it doesn’t say exactly how. Maybe pass on the hair paint and check out Rogaine instead.

 

Tush Turner

The Tush Turner was created with those in mind who seem to have no clue how to get in or out of a car without serious injury. When it first hit the market, it was being sold for $19.99, plus $6.99 shipping and handling. Now, though, you can snag one on Amazon for $5 flat, which is probably every indication of its level of quality that you’ll ever need.

 

Tater Mitts

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] Apparently, the task of peeling root vegetables is such a dilemma for us that someone had to glue a bunch of rubber pebbles to a pair of rubber dish gloves, because that’s the solution we’ve all been waiting for. And yet, the greatest thing about Tater Mitts is that they don’t even actually work.

 

Long Reach Comfort Wipe

While it may be difficult to envision the type of person who can’t — or won’t — use their own arm to wipe their butt, the chances that they’re the same type of person watching late night infomercials are pretty high. Long Reach Comfort Wipe certainly knows their audience.

 

Donald Trump Chia

Hard to believe, but the same stuff fitness and health gurus sprinkle into their morning smoothies is what’s been growing on the terra-cotta monstrosities in your great aunt’s kitchen since 1977. Chia Pets have come in all shapes and sizes, so of course it would also come in whatever shape you’d like to believe this is.  

 

PooTrap

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] Imagine being the type of dog owner who’s so grossed out by the idea of picking up its poop that you’d subject it to wearing an actual poop bag harness. Imagine the level of embarrassment those dogs must feel on a day to day basis. Imagine.

 

Flowbee

For the man or woman in your life dying to sport that fresh, vacuumed 1970s ‘do, Rick Hunts’ Flowbee could be the perfect gift. Apparently, there are actual Flowbee-specific barbershops operating in the world, which is both beautiful and horrifying.

 

Shake Weight

In only six minutes a day, you can achieve that toned upper body you’ve always dreamed of. Six minutes of using a piece of exercise equipment the same way you’d use a piece of another kind of equipment, should you be auditioning for an adult video.