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Hilarious Fast Food Fails That Will Make You Cringe

Hilarious Fast Food Fails That Will Make You Cringe June 28, 2017

fast food fails

The most hilarious fast food fails you'll ever see

Good afternoon. I'm an inspector from the Fast Food Quality Control Agency. Since you own this franchise, you've probably heard all about the establishment of the FFQCA. We exist to oversee the quality and aesthetic integrity of fast food. Fast food, as you know, no longer falls under the FDA's jurisdiction. Because it doesn't meet new legal definitions of "food." I'm here because a customer filed a complaint to the FFQCA about fast food fails at your store. And, therefore, federal law requires me to look into the matter. If you'll show me to your store's dining and kitchen areas, we'll get this inspection over and done with as soon as possible...

Cheese on Top Fast Food Fails

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I assume this is a new fast-food sandwich product I've never heard of, some sort of cheese-hat hamburger. I'll say it's a little odd, but not really so much odder than a square hamburger patty. To be honest, it's such a cute burger wearing a cheese hat! This is fine.

The Anus Burger Fast Food Fails

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I saw an ad for this product, and there's an obvious printing error here. I'm aware the product is called The Black Anus, not just The Anus. However, we do legally allow a certain amount of cow anuses in ground beef as long as said contents are clearly advertised. And they certainly are here. This is fine.

Cheese on the Side Fast Food Fails

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I have to tell you I've seen a very similar product recently at another chain that's introduced an intriguing cheese-hat hamburger to its menu. I believe you're running the risk of a lawsuit with this concoction. But copyright infringement isn't the FFQCA's concern, so this is fine.

Raw Chicken Nugget Fast Food Fails

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Since chicken nuggets are no longer considered food under the law, cooking them to any internal temperature is allowed as long as at least one nugget displays internal meat so the customer knows what he or she is getting. Thank you for following our guidelines. This is fine.

Taco Wrapper Fast Food Fails

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I can't tell you how many fast-food taco stores missed our new rules about putting paper packaging inside their taco shells. Paper is not visually appetizing, of course, and since none of this is technically food anymore, it doesn't matter if customers eat the paper. This is fine.

Expiration Stamp Fast Food Fails

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You're pushing it with this one, sir. I appreciate the convenience of expiration dates stamped directly onto items instead of their packaging. But you're only driving away customers with these products that apparently expired years ago. However, we have no rules specifically disallowing that. So this is fine.

Sour Cream Fast Food Fails

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I marked this as an obvious quality and aesthetics control issue in your store. However, the crew team member who assembled the taco informed me the customer in this case specifically requested sour cream on the side. So this is fine.

Egg and Cheese Fast Food Fails

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My understanding is that your scrambled egg offering doesn't come with cheese. Here, the customer requested the addition of cheese to the order. But they didn't say, "Add cheese on top of my eggs." So not only is there no quality or aesthetic problem here, it's not even a failure of customer service. This is fine.

Cheesy Tits Fast Food Fails

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A customer lodged an official complaint with the FFQCA regarding your marquee display that indicates "cheesy tits" on the menu instead of "cheesy tots." I'm obliged to investigate, but my ruling is this doesn't fall under our juridiction. We're not the sign police. This is fine.

Fried Glove Fast Food Fails

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IMAGE BY: Reddit.

Official complaint against fried chicken store No. 10842 indicates inclusion of a deep-fried rubber glove in the complaintant's order. The Fast Food Quality Control Agency rules that a fried rubber glove isn't aesthetically dissimilar enough from fast-food fried chicken to justify the complaint. This is fine. Case dismissed.

Breakfast Stamp Fast Food Fails

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Your customer complained in this case that a serial number was printed directly onto a pancake. I explained this meets FFQCA guidelines. The customer countered that he doesn't find it aesthetically pleasing. I said, "At least you have a serial number to source in your filing." He then agreed this is fine, and withdrew the complaint.

Sandwich Cut Fast Food Fails

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The FFQCA appreciates that, at your particular fast-food chain, crew team members are considered "sandwich artists." So your customers should maintain a reasonable expectation that their orders, which legally constitute "art," will be subject to a certain amount of avant-garde experimentation during preparation. This, therefore, is fine.

Out of Coke Fast Food Fails

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It's certainly unusual that a chicken-based fast-food chain should allow one of its stores to run out of chicken. However, as long as management posts notice of the shortage in plain site in the store's dining area, there's no FFQCA violation. This is fine.

Smiling Feces Fast Food Fails

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I rule a misfiling with full dismissal of the case. The FFQCA does not oversee business or hiring practices. On a personal note, however, I want to commend you for your willingness to hire anyone or anything, be they a person of a certain race, a person of a certain religion, or literally a sentient piece of shit. This is fine.

Pizza Screen Fast Food Fails

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The FFQCA received a customer complaint that he was given an unrequested pizza screen along with the large cheese pizza he ordered. We explained to the customer that this is no different than getting a cheap plastic toy packed in with a child's order of a cheeseburger and fries, so STFU, because this is fine.

Burger Assembly Fast Food Fails

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In accordance with sections 303 and 304 of the Federal Fast Food Quality Control Agency Aesthetics Act (the FFQCA&A Act) (19 U.S.C. 358 and 359) and its implementing regulations, "any fast-food sandwich's ingredients may be arranged or otherwise assembled in any manner that maintains structural and symmetrical integrity throughout." So this is fine.

Extra Mayo Fast Food Fails

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FFQCA guidelines require that fast-food sandwich stores comply with any customer request for "extra mayo" or similarly worded orders that reasonably approximate a request for "extra mayo." Guidelines for how much mayonnaise may constitute fulfillment of a request for "extra" is not specified. This is fine.

Extra Onions Fast Food Fails

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According to section 172, subsection 201(b) of the FFQCA&A Act, any fast-food store must make a good-faith attempt to fulfill a customer's request for off-menu combinations. The store is not obligated to prepare items in any specific way, provided the crew team member "tries their best." (See Title 34, Regulations Code, section 352.4.)  In other words, this is fine.

Sesame Seed Bun Fast Food Fails

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To reiterate the matter: A customer of this store filed a complaint indicating its sesame-seed buns contain no sesame seeds. During my inspection, I observed one of the store's buns and found it to hold a single sesame seed, thus meeting the FFQCA's definition of a sesame-seed bun. This is fine.

Extra Chips Fast Food Fails

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Customer didn't request chips, but store's crew team member added a free chip to "brighten [the customer's] day." When I asked the customer if he's tried the sandwich, he said he hadn't. I asked him to take a bite. Upon experiencing the pleasant crunch of the chip in the hamburger, the customer said, "This is fine," and dropped his complaint.

Soda Cup Fast Food Fails

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This cup lid without a straw hole turned out to be a manufacturing error for which the store can shoulder no blame, and no similar errors were discovered in this store. The customer who found it, however, was sent into a existential tailspin for reasons well beyond this inspector's understanding or the FFQCA's jurisdiction. The customer isn't fine, but this is.

Penny Burger Fast Food Fails

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A customer found a penny in one of your hamburgers, but, again, fast food is no longer considered food under U.S. law, so this is fine. Literally anything can be in fast food now. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. We're all dust. This is the official stance of the Fast Food Quality Control Agency.

Chicken Tenders Fast Food Fails

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In this case, the store had only two Chicken Selects-branded chicken tenders available to fulfill a customer's order of three as-advertised Chicken Selects. The decision to bisect a standard chicken cutlet admittedly sacrificed aesthetics for quality, but this is in accordance with FFQCA guidelines, and demonstrated excellent improvisatory service. This is not only fine, but extremely excellent.

Closed Restaurant Fast Food Fails

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Re: Fast food store sign complaints

Inspector #341
to FFQCA Director

Sir --

While I agree it's reasonable to expect an adjustment period during which the public must learn about our new federal agency and what we do, I believe our outreach efforts are failing to deliver that message. An inordinate number of filing have to do with store marquees. The taxpayers aren't paying for us to make field visits only to explain that we're not the sign police.

Respectfully,

Inspector #341

Melted Cheese Placement Fast Food Fails

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IMAGE BY: Imgur

Given that fast food is no longer legally considered to be food, no rule disallows melting what was once considered food onto any other non-food surface. Aesthetics rules would in many circumstances cite this presentation as a violation. But in the opinion of this agent, the cheese placement here is oddly satisfying. This is fine.

Taco Wrapper Placement Fast Food Fails

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IMAGE BY: Imgur
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I can't tell you how many fast-food taco stores missed our new rules about putting paper packaging inside their taco shells. Paper is not visually appetizing, of course, and since none of this is technically food anymore, it doesn't matter if customers eat the paper. This is fine.

Vegan Option Fast Food Fails

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A customer complained because when he asked for a vegan option, this is what he got. According to his complaint, this doesn't constitute an adequate vegan option. But according to the FFQCA, fast food restaurants need not accomodate dietary restrictions. Because fast food isn't fast food anymore. Not in the eyes of Uncle Sam! So this is fine.

Quesadeilla No Queso Fast Food Fails

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IMAGE BY: Imgur

This quesadilla contains no cheese."Queso" means cheese. By definition, a quesadilla contains cheese. So this should be a problem. However, this is fast food. And fast food isn't food. Therefore, the federal government can't require this fast-food quesadilla to contain cheese. Because cheese is food. To be sure, it's a weird paradox. But this is fine.

Aborted Breakfast Sandwich Fast Food Fails

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In accordance with sections 303 and 304 of the Federal Fast Food Quality Control Agency Aesthetics Act (the FFQCA&A Act) (19 U.S.C. 358 and 359) and its implementing regulations, "any fast-food sandwich's ingredients may be arranged or otherwise assembled in any manner that maintains structural and symmetrical integrity throughout." So this is fine.

Skimpy Taco Fast Food Fails

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IMAGE BY: Imgur

Sir, this is simply unacceptable. No, fast food is no longer considered food by any legal definition. But when a customer pays for something, they should get it. Even if what "it" is is, nutritionally, nothing. There still should be plenty of it. We don't play that at the FFQCA. This is not fine. So I'm issuing you a fine. Good day.