Hitler Was a D*ck Because His D*ck Was Weird


(Photo: Getty)

Hitler was a jerk. This is something historians and laypeople alike can agree on. But was his warmongering and genocidal nature brought on by an attempt to compensate for a deficient sex organ rather than just run-of-the-mill psychopathy?

We’ve known for some time that Hitler, once Time''s "Person of the Year," had one testicle based on an eyewitness account from a medic that treated him in World War I and his prison records, but a new book paints an even more unflattering image of the führer’s wiener.

The book, Hitler’s Last Day: Minute by Minute, contains medical records that highlight Adolf having a condition called hypospadias, where the urethra opens on the underside of the shaft, just at the base of the tip. 

This condition purportedly added to Hitler’s disgust with sex and fear of being seen in the buff or catching a dreaded STI.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) notes that those afflicted with this cruel disease “could have problems with abnormal spraying of urine and might have to sit to urinate.” So we’re learning that Hitler probably sat down to pee.

However, historians can’t seem to agree on the ins and outs of Hitler’s ins and outs. Some say he and wife Eva Braun enjoyed a normal, healthy sex life, while others contend the German leader wouldn’t touch her with a 10-foot pole.

At the end of the day, let’s all remember that this tyrant did bring about the death of millions. So the next time a new sex partner presents you with an unspectacular or disappointing penis, just remember to not make them feel too embarrassed about it, lest you bring about World War III in the process.