When it's time to decorate for Christmas, things get stressful. Because we face some tough decisions. And there are a lot of them. For example: Red-and-green decorations? Or white-and-gold? Eggnog spiked with rum? Or eggnog spiked with bourbon? Simple and understated stockings? Or super offensive ones to chase your in-laws away? Well, we’ve found the best, most inappropriate Christmas stockings out there. So whatever holiday vibe you’re going for, rest assured there’s something here for everyone.
When you plan to give your S.O. sex coupons for Christmas
Not that we have a problem with sex coupons as gifts, but maybe hide this stocking away when Uncle Larry comes to visit, lest he get the wrong idea about his stay.
When you’re a middle-aged housewife trying to spice things up
If yours is the type of Christmas celebration in which your husband doubles as “Santa,” then this stocking is calling your name.
When a regular ol’ stocking just isn’t big enough
Do you feel as though it’s your destiny to be the literal embodiment of NSFW holiday cheer? Why not just use this year as an opportunity to make yourself the actual Christmas stocking? Takes the idea of stocking stuffers to a whole new level.
When you’ve had enough of your damn relatives
If you’re the type of person who can only make it through the season blind drunk, what better way to convey that to your friends and family than with this boozy display? It makes shopping for you a breeze, and it’ll be conveniently located directly above all those other gifts you actually hate.
When you’re already planning for the day after
Why even try to hide your functioning alcoholism at this point?
When you really don’t give a f— about Christmas
This is a good one if you’re planning to host your super religious Great Aunt Betty, whose favorite catchphrase is, “Jesus is the reason for the season!”
When you like buttholes and also cheesy Dad jokes
It takes a special kind of person, but we’re 100% sure they’re out there, somewhere.
When you want to be inappropriate, but maybe not too inappropriate
It’s a stocking for those truly non-committal types. Are you funny? Are you naughty? Do you have great taste in Christmas decor? The answer is probably no to all of those, but hey, we’re into it.
When you’re a lover of vulgar mythical creatures
The only thing cuter than a pink unicorn is a pink unicorn with a vocabulary akin to a cross-country trucker. Basically, what we’re saying here is that this stocking would be great for any 12-year-old girl out there.
When you just can’t get enough poop jokes
Because Santa don’t take no sh— during the holiday season, and neither should you.
When you’ve got relatives from overseas coming
Why would you want to exclude your friends and family across the pond from your inappropriate shenanigans? The holidays are a time of sharing, and this stocking is sure to make anyone feel included, regardless of their country of origin.
When you have the sense of humor of a seven-year-old
Have you ever been to one of those joke magic shops in the touristy part of pretty much every town? Do you feel like their selection of goods is well worth the price tag? This stocking will fulfill your holiday gift list, while simultaneously alienating you from every friend you ever had.
When you legitimately hate your kids
…and also have no clue what to actually buy them off their Christmas list.
When you’re shopping for the whole family
Family activities are fun, especially during the holiday season. So really, there’s no better way to celebrate the togetherness of family than by joining together to create one big inappropriate Christmas stocking display.
When you’re trying to send that special someone a special message
Because, let’s face it, this is not a stocking intended for anyone other than the person giving it.
When you lack any sense of subtlety
For the consumer who really wants their love of the D to be their top defining characteristic.
When you lack any sense of subtlety, but with boobs
Or maybe you prefer the female anatomy? In this modern Christmas stocking world, there’s more than enough variety available for everyone out there.
When you love having political arguments at the family dinner table
It’s hard enough when your family is split into two very opposing political viewpoints, but this stocking is sure to ease the tension by vaguely showcasing your discontent with the current state of political affairs in the US.
When you want to take a firm stance on gun control
This stocking will make an excellent complement to any designer living room gun safe. Accent with several taxidermied big game animals, and you’ve got yourself the finest family holiday setting.
When you’re a sore loser
…and hold onto words like “heritage” with an unyielding death grip.
When you really, really like kids
What is Santa even doing here? Is that child angel getting some sort of a massage? Because if that’s what’s up for grabs this holiday season, sign us the hell up.