Toys You Wanted Desperately As A Kid That Turned Out To Completely Suck

Who doesn't remember the pure delight of getting exactly what you asked for, only to be followed by the crushing disillusionment when they were toys that turned out to actually suck? Let's take a walk down memory lane and revisit all those times reality flat-out failed to live up to our dreams.

Moon Shoes

Any toy that bills itself as being anti-gravity is absolute rotten bullshit and should be banned.

Slip N Slide

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] AKA How To Get A Horrifying Skin Burn Without Even Trying

Go Bots

These off-brand Transformers make me sad just looking at them.

Walk-On Piano

You are not Tom Hanks in "Big," and you will never be Tom Hanks in "Big." Robert Loggia is dead. FAO Schwartz is dead. All of your dreams will eventually die, so you better learn that now.

Sky Dancers

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] Barbies without legs that would violently smack you in the face at any time; no wonder they were recalled.

Teddy Ruxpin

What you were expecting was a cartoon come to life and what you got was a rock-hard tape deck with a wildly unnerving stare.

Gak

Look, we all had Gak, sure. Might as well just admit that it was gross in the most boring way and made our hands smell completely awful.

Skip It

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] The commercials made it seem like so much fun, but what you ended up with was a piece of plastic created with the sole purpose of sklonking you in the ankles.

The Little Professor Calculator

THIS IS NOT A TOY, YOU MONSTERS.

Guess Who

Guess Who is a terrific game...until you realize that being a woman means you will automatically lose.

Tiny Trampoline

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] You asked for a trampoline, and what you got was a dust-collecting reminder that your parents don't love you enough for a real trampoline.

Perfume Science

I actually ADORED my Perfume Science kit, learning all about musks and base notes and whatnot. My parents, however, regretted their gift for many lingering malodorous years to come.

Polly Pocket

Too small to actually play in, Polly Pocket was an abject, rattling lesson in fantasy versus reality.

Mouse Trap

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] It took FOREVER to set up, and MAYBE you got to play this once before you lost one tiny piece and the whole damn Rube Goldberg machine stopped working.

Crimp N Curl Pony

By the time your parents finally bought you this, crimping wasn't cool anymore.

Things That Grow In Water

You started with a small bit of plastic, and ended up with a larger, much slimier bit of plastic. Was there even a point?

Light-Up Yo Yos

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] Not even motion-activated LEDs can change the fact that yo yos are both extremely difficult and extremely boring.

Shaving Fun Ken

Turns out shaving isn't actually all that fun! And no amount of magic foam is gonna get rid of Ken's actual beard - Barbie.

Easy Bake Oven

The thing about Easy Bake Ovens was that...I mean...why not just buy a box of Duncan Hines Funfetti to bake in the regular oven? I don't trust anything cooked with a lightbulb.

Creepy Crawlers

[dx_custom_adunit desktop_id="RTK_K67O" mobile_id="RTK_5yk0"] An Easy Bake Oven that makes bug-shaped trash. Only for gross boys who like gross things. My neighbor (a boy, obvi) had one of these and I was not at all jealous.

Original Slinky

This shit don't walk down no stairs.