Bartolo Colon’s Substantial Stomach Is A Goddamn Hero

Bryan Brandom
(Photo: Getty Images)

Bartolo Colon’s stomach.

The thing that makes the 45-year-old starter baseball’s most lovable player is the same thing that kindly protects him from incoming projectiles, so that he can remain in our lives.

Projectiles such as 101.5 mph line drives off the bat of Jean Segura.

He caught one of those in the gut during his Wednesday domination of the Mariners.

The belly bullet didn’t slow Big Sexy down.

The Rangers righty was damn near untouchable all day, bending his versatile, unfair fastball over and around the plate for 7.2 shutout innings in a 5-1 victory, allowing four hits and no walks.

He leads the majors with a minuscule 0.7 walks per nine innings. He led baseball in the category in 2015, then was tops in the National League a year later.

In seven starts and a pair of relief appearances for the Rangers in 2018, Colon is 2-1 with a 2.82 ERA.

If the league is going to get to him, it looks like it’s gonna take more than a 101.5 mph screamer off the tummy. In fact, like Black Panther’s suit, it absorbs inflected energy and allows him to wield it against unsuspecting foes.

Or, as he described it: “I have a lot of big belly, so I can take it.”

Like I said, baseball’s most lovable player.