Hawaiian Pizza Is Depressed: “I’m The Punchline Of Every Pizza Joke”

Lindsay Weglarz
Hawaiian pizza is depressed
(Photo: King Arthur Flour)

Pizza is a favorite food all around the world. You can get it anywhere, and usually at any time. And it’s kind of hard to mess up something that’s mostly just sauce, dough and cheese. Those are the perfect ingredients for deliciousness. You can get pizza as deep-dish, thin-crust or even with a stuffed crust. With so many options to choose from, you can’t go wrong with. Unless you like Hawaiian pizza.

Hawaiian pizza is depressed

Hawaiian pizza is, traditionally, a cheese pizza with ham and pineapple for toppings. And I know that sounds utterly repulsive. But, allegedly, some some people actually like it. Mostly people, though, rightfully dunk on Hawaiian pizza and the people who enjoy eating it. But sadly, Hawaiian pizza itself has grown depressed after catching wind of its many negative reviews. And I feel kind of bad about that.

Hawaiian pizza is depressed, speaks out

“I’m tired of everyone laughing at me,” Hawaiian pizza told me. “They’re saying I’m disgusting and ruining pizza’s good name. Obviously I taste good. I taste good, right? I can’t taste myself to know. Please, someone validate me.”

Hawaiian pizza is depressed

There must be someone out there who thinks Hawaiian pizza tastes good. Otherwise, why would it exist. But I have yet to meet one person to vouch for the nauseous combination of pizza toppings. The ham I get. Like, just the ham on its own would be OK. It’s not pepperoni, but it’s fine. I think  the issue really lies with the pineapple. You know no pizza joint is using fresh fruit. And who hates themselves enough to eat canned pineapple?

“I’ve heard people say that I’m not a real pizza,” Hawaiian pizza said. “They say I should go away and crawl back into the can I came out of. It’s so hurtful. I am real. And I identify as a pizza. I am a tropical spin on a dish people love. So why does no one get me?”

Hawaiian pizza is depressed

I hate Hawiian pizza. Yet it breaks my heart to see a pizza so emotionally devastated. On the other hand, it’s also heartbreaking to ruin a perfectly tasty slice with some nasty, cheap-ass pineapple. So if you are a Hawaiian-pizza lover, I guess what I’m wondering is: Why?