#26 Steve, Sweetie, You’re Not All That
Former RA here. I had a trust fund baby in my wing who wanted to be the next college “Waka Flocka Flame.” We’ll call him Steve. I wrote the kid up twice in the first two weeks of school for getting caught drinking outside the Res Hall. By week three, Steve thought I had it out for him. On Saturday night, I was at the on-duty desk and Steve came into the Res Hall completely trashed. He started making derogatory remarks to a few first-year women from my wing that were hanging out by the duty desk, so I called him over and told him to cut it out.
Steve paused for a sec, recognized me, and then told me to shut up. I promptly picked up the desk phone and called my super because that’s what we were to do with threats. My super and his boss appeared shortly after and confronted Steve about the threat. Steve decided to escalate the situation by stating that if he were actually threatening me, he would’ve done it to my face.
To make his point, Steve then attempted to leap over the walls of the duty booth into the little cube I was in so he could show me “a real threat.” The duty booth is enclosed in sliding glass windows, the front two of which are usually left open unless we’re on rounds. A vertical black steel support beam runs through the middle of the open window frame.
In Steve’s inebriated state, he did not consider factoring in the vertical black rod during his jump. He managed to clear the window with one leg before the rest of his body dropped with a metallic thud as he thwapped off the support rod and careened backward onto the floor. Steve’s head hit the concrete, knocking himself out in perhaps the single most pathetic threat sequence humanity had ever witnessed.
Credit: TheMajorityWhip