Edward Scissorhands
I haven’t seen “Edward Scissorhands” since the ‘90s, but here’s what I remember about it: Edward is a weird man-doll who lives in a castle that Vincent Price lived in before Vincent Price died. He died before he got to put hands on Edward’s body, so Edward has scissors for hands. Edward goes into the town and falls in love with Winona Ryder. But Winona Ryder has a boyfriend who is the dweeb from “The Breakfast Club.” But now he’s not a dweeb anymore, and he’s a bully. Also, Winona Ryder’s mom is Dianne Wiest and her dad is Alan Arkin. Then Winona’s boyfriend tries to beat up Edward, so Edward kills him. And the whole town tries to kill Edward, so he has to go back to the castle, even though Winona Ryder loves him now. And also there’s a horny cougar in the town who wants to f–k Edward.